mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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