but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
