I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize