I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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