I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
