Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
