i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
