i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
