My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
