i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
