my sisters under your porch take her home
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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