it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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