So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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