'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
