we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
