i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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