I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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