I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
