You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All I want is dick and wine.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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