Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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