I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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