I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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