It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
