nut hugger
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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