i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
