Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
