I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
