The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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