sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
