piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
