SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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