yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i dont even know how to be here
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
