he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
