It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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