My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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