guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
