I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
