i just wanna soil my oats bro
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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