Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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