she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
