they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
