Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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