Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
