i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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