I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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