We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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