im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
