There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
