I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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