thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
