those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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