you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
