I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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