On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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