Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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