Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
