My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
